2000
This year's Guizer Jarl was Robert Thomson from Sellafirth. He took on the role of Halfdan the Black for the millenium festival.
Robert's Jarl Squad:
- Brian Thomson [Uphouse, Sellafirth] (Ex Jarl)
- Johnnie Clark [Mid Yell]
- Stephen Brown [Burravoe]
- Frank Guthrie [Gossabrough]
- Michael Henderson [Linnadield]
- Andrew Nisbet [Keldahoul]
2000 Proclamation:
THE GUIZER JARL DECREES THAT ALL GUIZERS WILL REPORT AT BURNSIDE AT 7.30PM
WIR JARL WILL BE ON DA’ RIGHT TACK TONIGHT. HE WILL DEMAND ALL SHETLANDERS TO TOW THE LINE, ACT THEIR AGE AND NOT GET
CONTANKEROUS. HE WILL ROUND UP HIS B(U)OYS AND STEER A STRAIGHT COURSE TO PORT. HE MAY END UP WITH A MAID BETWEEN THE SHEETS (PLAYING WITH HIS SHUTTLECOCK !!) … THIS COULD CAUSE HIM SOME TROUBLE & STRIFE, IF HE SAILS TOO CLOSE TO THE WIND.
WELCOME TO UP-HELLY-AA NO MATTER WHO YOU BE,
WE WANT TO CELEBRATE IN STYLE, FOR THIS BRAND NEW CENTURY
ROBERT HE IS WIR JARL, DAVID CUNNINGHAM IS THE BAND
WE’LL MAKE THIS MILLENNIUM YEAR, THE BEST FESTIVAL IN SHETLAND
SPUD’S, SPUD’S, SPUD’S, RECORDS AND KERR PINKS,
GROWING LOTS O’ TATTIES IS HARDER THAN YOU THINK
YOU HAE TA’ PLOUGH AN’ SET DEM, AN’ SPRAYING IS A CHORE,
IF DA’ WEATHER IS AGAINST YOU, HAE TA’ DELL DEM UP IN VOAR.
WE RUSH OUT ON THE FERRY, WE DA’ TODS ALL FINE AND WIDE
BUT ROOND ABOOT DA’ KIRK WE MEET A TURN O’ DA’ TIDE
A NARROW GAET FOR A MAN AN’ DOG, TA’ WANDER DAY BY DAY,
TA’, WATCH THE LOCAL TRUCKERS WHAN AFF DA’ ROD DEY STRAY
OH GIVE TO ME DA’ OPEN ROAD, WHERE THE MOSSBANK LIGHTS DEY
GLITTER, I’LL MAK’ ME WARK TA’ DIS TOON IN TIME, IF I COULD ONLY MISS DA GRITTER
TO HAVE AN ASTRA, IS BEYOND ALL THOWTS AND DOOTS HIT CAN PICK THE VERY WINKLES WHILE DA DRIBERS EFTER TROORS, WHEN GOIN’ PAST DA’ CHIEF MARSHAL, HOOSE, IT’S BETTER GOING SLOW BEFORE YOU DRIVE DOON BY DA SLIP AN END UP IN DA VOE.
DA ROAD BY SANDWATER HILL
HAS BUMPS DAT DA’ COUNCIL COULD FILL
SO DEY PUT UP SOME SIGNS
AN’ THOUGHT DAT WID BE FINE,
BUT DA’ BUMPS ARE ALL DERE STILL
NOO DANNY WIR FITBAAING HEADMASTER
SAID SCHOOL WORK IS JUST A DISASTER
HE WAS FED UP SO MUCH
HE KICKED DA, WHOLE LOT IN TOUCH
AND COULD GET SOUTH NO FASTER
CROFTERS CARRYING HOME GRENADES SHOULD GUARD AGAINST TAKING BOMBS IN THE HOUSE, BUT THIS CUNNING TRICK COULD STIR UP READERS AND ALOW THEM TO EXPLODE A LOT(TIE) EX(S)EMPLERY VIEWS
THE GREEN TUNNELS STOOD IN SELLAFIRTH
BUT UP CAME THE WIND, AND BLEW THAM ALL IN DIRT
SO THAT THREE TUUNNEL’S THAT STOOD SO BRAW AND GREEN
ARE NOTHING NOW BUT 3 HOOPS WI’ NO POLYTHENE
TAE BORROW DA KEYS FUR DA GALLEY SHED, A SIMPLE REQUEST,
BUT DA OWLD JARL’S WIRDS WIR ALL BUT IN JEST.
DA JUNGLE IN BURMA WIS A TERRIBLE PLACE,
HE TOWT TAE HIMSEL, AS HE RUBBED HIS FACE.
A DAY OR TWO ‘O’ SAPP’S, AN’ NO RIGHT FOOD.
‘TILL DA TEETH GET FIXED, SUPPOSEDLY BROKEN BY WOOD.
DAT VERY SAM NIGHT DAT HE LEFT ALL FRISKY, AA’BODY DERE WIS BUYIN’ HIM WHISKEY, BUT ON DA WAY HOME, HE MET WI’ A SNAG, WHEN DA POLICEMAN MADE HIM BLOW IN DA’ BAG.
ON DA WAY HOM, HAEN GOOD CRACK, “BABY” IN DA FRONT, DUG IN DA BACK.
NEARIN’ DA BRIG, DA DUG HED ENOUGH, BORDER TA BORDER, HE’D GOTTEN A GLUFF.
HE DIVED IN DA FRONT, TAE GRAB DA WHEEL, TOO LATE FUR SHU’D GRIPPIT DA BORDERFEAL.
HE TRIED HIS BEST, DAN LIT OOT A WOOF, AT DA SIDE ‘O’ DA BRIG, DEY LAY ON DIR ROOF.
EFTER DA DANCE, IT ALL SEEMED LIK’ FUN. TO GO TO WESTSANDWICK, JUST FUR A RUN. AA’BODY TOWT, NILOC AND KENNY WIS LOST. BUT DA NIGHT SHIFT DRIVER, WIS GIVEN’ HER A ROSST.
DID DA SALMON BOYS CAUSE A STINK IN DA HILLTOP?
DID CAPTAIN GEORGE GIVE DA FERRYMEN GOLD AWARDS?
DID JASPER TINK DA MINI BUS WIS TOO BIG?
IS GORDON HAVING TEETHING TROUBLES WITH HIS LOVELIFE?
HAS ROBERT TURNED A HEADBANGER?
DID JAMES JOHN NO REFLECT ON HIS CLOTHES SHAVE WI’ BOB?
DA WINDHOOSE TRIALS IS QUITE AN EVENT, FAE SETTIN’ DA COURSE TAE ERECTIN’ DA TENT. DA DAY ‘O’ DA RUN, DIRS MONY A GOOD FUN, GOOD WHISKEY, GOOD VODKA, GOOD BEER AN’ GOOD RUM. DA FOLLOWIN’ DAY DA OWNERS BARELY ALIVE, AND DA WIND CAM UP AN’ CAUSED A GREAT RIVE.
DEFACERS OF THE BILL WILL BE MUSSELED AND PACKED AT THE
CULLIVOE PIER, AND SENT BY DINGY TO ICELAND.
BY ORDER AND UNDER SEAL OF THE GUIZER JARL,
ROBERT THOMSON
